Something crazy has happened - something insane.

I have had a true awakening — a real Kate Chopin-esque experience. Except, I’m not owning my womanhood. It’s not that kind of awakening. It’s more like… the veil to the true nature of my spiritual state has been lifted. Suddenly, everything is clear. I can see things for what they are - and oh, LORD! how depressing it is.

For the past year, I have been severely struggling with a lack of desire. It’s generally summed up like this: I don’t want to go to church. I don’t want to go to class. I don’t want to listen to people’s stupid opinions that sound exactly like what their parents said in the 50s. I’m tired of the same old stories/parables. The Samaritan woman at the well. Mary and Martha preparing for Jesus’s arrival. The bleeding woman who touched Jesus. The virgins who weren’t prepared for the bridegroom with their vessels of oil. Why do we study the same things every month like children who study Noah and the ark at least once a year? For the adult classes, the bleeding woman is our Noah! The woman at the well is our Daniel and the virgins our creation story!! We’re not trying to really learn anything at all. It’s just the same questions about the stories - “Now, why was Jesus’s response different from his disciples?” DUHHHHH- cuz he was Jesus! He’s part God! He knows the fuuuture!

It’s not that I’m saying “we’ve done the bible - what’s next?” - Not At All! We just have this tendency to study the same things over and over. I KNOW that there are things in this book that I don’t know by heart — without taking one peek at a Bible! Why aren’t we studying those things? Why do I feel like i leave church not learning ANYTHING??

Then it dawned on me. What else do I have to lean on? I don’t pray very much on my own. I don’t study my Bible outside of church. Heck, I rarely look at it in church (the lessons are so easy, why bother?). That means the only chance of feeding my poor soul with some kind of food is at the church building. I’m not doing anything outside of it, so OF COURSE my distaste for church services is destroying my spiritual life!

I’ve been struggling with, “If i just FORCE myself to go– Surely, I’ll get something good out of it.”

“…right?”

I’ve been at war with my fellow Christians at church. There have been many battles and I feel like i’m on the losing side. I’ve stood up and asked for more relevant studies- say, about “Having an Answer” when someone asks you about God (one of the core elements of Christianity, no?)— instead of the current study which was, “read the quote below and discuss its meaning. Footprints in the Sand: One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord…”

Yeah. What happened after that was the whole “do the elders want us to study Footprints? is it mandatory? i think we need to ask…” argument. Tell me this– do we need permission from ANY HUMAN BEING ON EARTH — to do what it is our father commanded us to do? Is the Bible not enough? Do we need man’s approval?

So basically I’ve come to the realization that the reason why I have been so (often subconsciously) unhappy spiritually is two fold:

1. I am relying on the sunday/wednesday church gatherings to support my faith. when they don’t, (and of course they fail, when i have so much hope built up in them) i feel let down, angry and discouraged. i don’t want to go anymore, and THAT freaks me out more than anything– because I recognize a need for God in my life.

2. many (not all!) of the people our age at church really don’t have much zeal for the Lord, for learning to know Him better or anything outside of their comfort zone, period. they are worshipping out of fear- fear of an angry God, their angry parents, doing something the elders don’t approve of and fear that if anyone stumbles across any original thought, it will cause an earth-shattering blow to their spiritual life as they know it. i know this is a negative, pessimistic view, but lately it’s all i have been able to see in them.

i guess i’ll start by reading my bible. i’ll let you know what happens.