Sometime in the middle of the night, I was awakened by the sound of my cats getting in the blinds of the windows by my head and knocking things over. This typically happens in the morning, when dainty little birds dance around the windows with the intent to drive my pets completely bonkers. Being that I’m mostly asleep, I think they’re after birds again and I shoo them away from the windows. They go away, only to doubleback and jump at the windows again. The Stubborn One WILL NOT GO AWAY and I grab her under her shoulder blades, forcing her face to mine and say, “NO!” She runs off and I get up to close the door so they can’t get in.

I try to go back to sleep, waiting for them to make some kind of banging noise from outside the door. Instead, the Stubborn One is on the bed again, going towards the window! And then, I hear it… something that is obviously NOT a bird. Without my glasses on, I pull the blinds up and see a HUGE round, furry shadow with a stripy tail, clinging to the house and scratching at the overhang.

“Josh? Is that a racoon? I think that’s a raccoon! He’s pulling on the vent to the attic!”

I go to get my glasses and Josh turns on the light, which makes the furry shadow vaporize. Still sleepy, I’m trying to remember who told me that raccoons climb two-story houses:

I think it happened in Little Rock.
What would he want in the attic?
Christmas lights?
There’s no garbage up there!
Do raccoons eat squirrels?

Josh is still purplexed about how the Stubborn One got in the room since the door is still closed.

“She went under the bed, Josh.”

I open the door for the cats to roam freely, and after staring out the window for a while to see if the striped monster is still around, we fall asleep, with the Stubborn One keeping guard like a rotweiller.

I wake up to one of my valentine’s roses chewed up in front of my bedroom door– I guess that’s punishment enough for baby-shaking the animal who was trying to save me from a wild, house-climbing intruder.

Then Josh tells me he dreamed that the raccoon came back, and he went outside with the flashlight only to scream, “HEY! GIT DOWN!” while the raccoon –get this– OPENED THE WINDOW to our bedroom, and in his dream you know what I did?

KARATE KICKED the raccoon while screaming like Jackie Chan. Not only that, but the raccoon went flying and fell—dead.

Of course.

I love how in my husband’s dreams, I’m the one kicking butt.