There is something wrong
Something is wrong with me. And not in the lovable sort of eccentric way in which I’ll profess an interest in something strange like ‘The Cardigans’ or ‘Dragonslayer’, and then I would be like “Man, something is definitely wrong with me huh? I’m a nutty crazy guy!”
No, something is wrong in the way that I am starting to become unable to deal with life and its long voyage of failure, mediocrity and fear. I can’t cope with seemingly normal things, and I can barely cope with myself for being so weak.
Heather and I went to JoAnn Fabrics today so we could get some things framed. I got an awesome poster months and months ago that I’ve kept rolled up until I got it framed. I’d tell you what it is and how that’s cool but why? JoAnn’s had a 60% off custom framing sale for the Labor Day Weekend. We went, there was a line, customers waiting were snobby and told us we had to sign a sheet, we did, we realized we didn’t have the coupon required for the discount, and we left.
I should have been fine but was red in the face with anger and disappointment. Once my emotions had temporarily calmed I realized what a mess I was. am.
I have to work on Labor Day. I despise my job but have so little confidence in myself that I don’t feel like I can get the type of job I want. We’ve talked about me just up and quitting and how long we could live off savings until I found a new job. Yet right now everything looks dark and gray to me. I feel like I will never be good enough and that if I leave this job that I hate it will be back to delivering pizzas, my career abandoned.
I post this because I don’t like feeling that I’m different from other people. I know my friends struggle with stuff in their lives like me, even though we try to fake it all the time. I like knowing that there are others out there; my friends, people like me, who are in pain and live with constant uncertainty. I don’t like seeing those I care about in pain but it makes me feel closer to them knowing that they, like me, aren’t perfect.
So I hope this made you feel a little better, knowing that people like me are trying to figure stuff out too, and at times like now feel hopelessly lost.
13 Comments // Comment or Ping
Mark
Hang in there…I’m glad you realize you’re not the only one who feels the way you do. Thanks for a very real post.
12:21 pm, Sep 3rd, 2007
Darek
Hey man. I go through the same thing at least twice a year.
*looks down at the two ice cream cones he’s holding*
*decides to hand you one*
1:33 pm, Sep 3rd, 2007
Dustin
Work sucks. People I don’t know suck. Life sucks. I get an ice cream cone and it falls on the sidewalk …
10:37 pm, Sep 3rd, 2007
Dawn
Josh, I’ve tried to deal with anger and disappointment a lot this summer for various reasons–my only advice is to try focusing on the good stuff, like Heather and living in a truly urban city and that wonderfully odd CD collection you have. Keep the faith.
1:21 pm, Sep 4th, 2007
Justin
Yep - know the feeling.
I watched Office Space again this week, and it got me thinking about some of the same issues. It led me to ask what kind of person I want to be, and to reconsider what I’m doing to become that kind of person. Not done figuring that out yet, and certainly not done doing it, though.
2:40 pm, Sep 4th, 2007
Tbags
I reached what I thought was the end of my rope at my “New” job on the 24th and put in my 2 weeks. The next day… our Outback’s motor blew resulting in a now $5000 repair bill. I have now lost the will to leave the job. They did make me an offer to stay. I hate them all. I will stay, am now defeated and will spent the rest of my days a slave to the system in exchange for a few toys. I should have listened to Heather 7 years ago.
8:18 pm, Sep 4th, 2007
Bness
I’m with ya brother. Im kinda lost here in Missouri. but i don’t really know where i wouldn’t be lost. Ive got an ok job and am doing ok but i guess maybe i expect more of myself but don’t have the drive to do anything about it. I just kinda take my joy from my free time and slide by on a daily basis. oh yeah…..and drink alot of beer
7:29 am, Sep 5th, 2007
Rozie
I’ve been there.
I’ve been there.
I’ve been there.
I like my antidepressants.
It will get better.
3:22 pm, Sep 6th, 2007
Rozie
And if it doesn’t get better, you can come break all the glass in my house, because I hear that makes people feel better.
3:24 pm, Sep 6th, 2007
Kirsten
SO know how you’re feeling. We’re in money trouble because I can’t find a full time job I like. And part of me doesn’t want to. I hated the way I felt when I was a slave to someone else’s system. Now I am a slave to money troubles since doing photography for myself hasn’t made us rich yet. Sometimes, being human…sucks.
8:53 pm, Sep 8th, 2007
Graypawn
I dropped out of college to avoid debt and responsibility. I did. I’m glad i did. But the result is i can’t sit at the big-kids table anywhere i go. I’m exiled from the adult world. I’ll always be assumed lacking in compared to what the more successful consider my full potential. So whatever rebellion is brewing in your head, just know this: Life isn’t worth living if you’re not afraid. It doesn’t count unless you’re afraid. Suffering is the best way to know we are alive and fighting on the right side. Don’t get too down, man. I’m right here with you, watching your back and believing in you. It’s that simple.
12:46 am, Sep 9th, 2007
Amy
It sucks feeling bad. Damn the man Josh; give em’ hell !!
10:19 pm, Sep 9th, 2007
Mark
Josh! I don’t have internet at the house right now, but when we get moved (1st of October), I’ll be signing up for some. Then we can resume Wiiing together, just like the old Grad days. Thanks for letting me know the #, though!
1:00 pm, Sep 18th, 2007
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